Albert learns that Mr Nick plans to carry out some urgent maintenance work on the site throughout the rest of August

‘Well personally I think you’re making a big mistake,’ Albert says.

‘Er, hello?’ Mr Nick replies.  ‘Did I ask one of my characters for an opinion?  Who needs this post-modern gimmicky stuff where the character picks a fight with the author anyway?’

‘Well, all I’m saying is that if you stop posting for the rest of August all your millions of fans will all forget about you.’

‘Albert, just for once, could you perhaps consider the possibility that sarcasm will not progress the discussion?  I only informed you about the forthcoming break in service as a courtesy.’

‘Plus it’s only me they come to read about anyway.  That’s all I’m saying.’

‘Well that’s not strictly…’

‘Besides, how am I going to learn anything while the site’s inactive?’

‘Albert, you never learn anything anyway.’

‘Well that’s not true.’

‘Okay then Albert – name me something you’ve actually learnt.’

‘Alright then….there was that time when….well how about….let’s see now….well I’ve learnt that it’s unhelpful to be too specific in your questions.  That’s something.’

Mr Nick sighs heavily.  ‘I just think we both need a break Albert,’ he says.

‘Well, I hope they forgive you.  That’s all I’m saying.’

‘I wish it was.’

‘Wish it was what?’

‘All you were saying.’

‘Given you’re the one that made me up, you certainly harbor a lot of simmering resentment towards me.’

‘Albert…’

‘Oh I’m going Mr Nick, I’m going.  Don’t you rush me.  And I’ll see myself out.  Let’s hope the break does you good…that’s all I’m saying…..’

‘See you in September, Albert….’

Super-friendly Olga

My new internet friend Olga is very friendly.  She’s always emailing me, offering to send me photographs of herself.  I finally phoned her yesterday.  She’s interested in my financial affairs.  She even wants to watch me banking.  At least, I think that’s what she said: the line was pretty bad….

Because some people’s self-esteem is set at just the right level

You were feeling low so I bought you a brand new suit.  It’s hardly my fault it’s itchy.  And how was I to know that my fish pie would make you feel sick?  You’re so ungrateful I’m starting to think it’s your manners that need the boost, not your self-esteem.

The Cool Mermaids

I’ve been misled.  I’ve been staring out to sea for years waiting to land one of those mermaids pining for dry land.  Such an arrogant assumption!  In fact, any mermaid with a taste for adventure heads south, hanging out with those rugged humpbank anglerfish types in the deep, deep ocean.

The Thwarted Lover (101 words)

No, no, you carry on saving yourself.  I completely understand.  No problem.  I mean, it’s not as if we’re racing towards oblivion and your body will start to crease and sag before you know it.  And yes, you’re right, you’ll probably have loads of evenings like this, when you’ll share your innermost thoughts and dreams and form an intense personal connection with another human being who yearns for you with every cell of his body.  So no, you go ahead and save yourself up for that special occasion in the future.  Brilliant plan.  I totally respect you for holding out.  Totally.