I woke up to find myself in hospital. In my semi-conscious state I had so many powerful visions! I saw a new phone; a whiter smile; far better skin; a cleaner, faster car. I even saw lust! There was so much to be done and time was marching on. What was doing wasting my time lying around here? I clambered out of bed, disconnecting myself from all the pesky tubes and wires.
“Relax,” the nurses said. “Those aren’t visions,” they said. “Those are just adverts on tv. You should just ignore them. Everyone knows they’re not real.”
But I was having none of it. I wanted it all. And I wanted it now.
“Get out of my way,” I shouted at them. “Can’t you see you’re holding back my recovery? Can’t you see you’re holding back the recovery of the entire economy?”
Two brothers are admiring their piles of presents on Christmas morning.
“Just look at all these gifts from Santa!” the little brother says. “He’s the best.”
“Hey, you idiot,” the big brother says. “You do know Mum and Dad got you all these.”
There’s an awkward pause while the mother clears her throat and the father scratches his eyebrow. Well, this could be a tad awkward.
“Don’t be so stupid,” the little brother says. “Everyone knows Mum and Dad couldn’t afford all these. That would be ridiculous.”
“Exactly,” the father says, staring accusingly at the mother. “Santa eh? What a guy.”
Through some cunning ‘look but don’t touch’ arrangements I can pretty much track down any music or writing in the known universe. Now, finally, I can get exactly what I want when I want. No more compromises are required.
So why can I no longer finish any book I’ve started?
Albert sized up the amazing new laptops. The forthcoming range looked even more amazing with some truly remarkable features! So Albert took the only logical approach: terrified of being outpaced at the very moment of purchase, Albert decided to stick with his trusty quills and carrier pigeons for another year.