The Rocky Road to Recovery

Escape from Hospital

I woke up to find myself in hospital.  In my semi-conscious state I had so many powerful visions!  I saw a new phone; a whiter smile; far better skin; a cleaner, faster car. I even saw lust!  There was so much to be done and time was marching on.  What was doing wasting my time lying around here?  I clambered out of bed, disconnecting myself from all the pesky tubes and wires.

“Relax,” the nurses said.  “Those aren’t visions,” they said.  “Those are just adverts on tv.  You should just ignore them.  Everyone knows they’re not real.”

But I was having none of it.  I wanted it all.  And I wanted it now.

“Get out of my way,” I shouted at them.  “Can’t you see you’re holding back my recovery?  Can’t you see you’re holding back the recovery of the entire economy?”

LITTLE KNOWN AILMENTS OF THE MODERN AGE #4365

knee

Shopper’s Knee – a chronic condition predominantly affecting men when on shopping expeditions with female partners. Often mistaken for an attack of selfishness, the only known remedy is immediate rest and a swift intake of alcohol in a nearby bar.  The condition is indiscriminate: it can suddenly strike down men of all ages, during the weekly purchase of household sundries or, more commonly, the seasonal extended search for clothing.  (See also Chronic Family Gathering Fatigue [CFGF])

 

In Santa’s Debt (101 words)

christmas-gifts

Two brothers are admiring their piles of presents on Christmas morning.

“Just look at all these gifts from Santa!” the little brother says.  “He’s the best.”

“Hey, you idiot,” the big brother says. “You do know Mum and Dad got you all these.”

There’s an awkward pause while the mother clears her throat and the father scratches his eyebrow.  Well, this could be a tad awkward.

“Don’t be so stupid,” the little brother says. “Everyone knows Mum and Dad couldn’t afford all these.  That would be ridiculous.”

“Exactly,” the father says, staring accusingly at the mother. “Santa eh?  What a guy.”

Spoilt for Choice

Through some cunning ‘look but don’t touch’ arrangements I can pretty much track down any music or writing in the known universe.  Now, finally, I can get exactly what I want when I want.  No more compromises are required.

So why can I no longer finish any book I’ve started?

Albert learns that the relentless march of consumerism can have a paralyzing effect on the relentless march of consumerism

Albert sized up the amazing new laptops.  The forthcoming range looked even more amazing with some truly remarkable features!  So Albert took the only logical approach: terrified of being outpaced at the very moment of purchase, Albert decided to stick with his trusty quills and carrier pigeons for another year.