Missy America

Stars-And-Stripes

Oh yes, honestly, I used to know her.  I mean not well, but well enough to know what she was like.  And she was really kind, back in the day, believe me.  She was so beautiful.  Everyone just wanted to be with her.  We all used to copy what she was wearing and try to listen to the same music as her.  We were in awe of her.  And it wasn’t all surface stuff either.  If one of her friends was in trouble she was always the first to help out.  Seriously, I know it’s hard to believe now, but back in the day everyone used to love her.  Even the people who said they hated her secretly wanted to be her.

But then, as she got older, a few people started turning on her or, worse yet, ignoring her.  And I guess she just couldn’t handle this fall from grace.  She started snarling at people.  She got really bitter.  And then, just recently, she started banning all known facts from her house.  She declared them dry and pointless.  Not surprisingly perhaps, she became unwell but still she banned all specialists from her home.  Before we knew it she was sitting alone, rocking in her chair, singing random songs about the old days and promising to anyone who would listen how things were going to get much better in a minute.

I will be loved again, she promised.  Just give me some time, she kept saying.  But by then time was the one thing she didn’t have.  It breaks my heart to see her now, really it does.

The Homemade Car

car

For the last couple of months I’ve been building my own car, pretty much from scratch.  It’s quite a thing I don’t mind telling you.  And believe me, I’ve told everyone about it.  So okay, I’ve probably made a few rash predictions about how fast it can go, how many people it can carry, but you know what, I’m proud of it, really proud of it, and not ashamed to say so.  Not everyone can build a car after all.

But then over the last couple of weeks I’ve been taking it out on the roads.  If I’m honest with myself – which I admit is a rare activity for me – it’s not gone quite as well as I’d anticipated.  Last Tuesday, for example, I scratched the driver’s door on a neighbour’s boundary wall.  And then yesterday, I couldn’t seem to brake at all when turning right which led to a few – shall we say – issues.

And finally, today, I wrapped it around a tree just up the road from where I live.  Now don’t worry – I was okay, I was fine.  I just sat in the crushed car and contemplated my next move.  And then a police officer tapped my window.

‘Is everything okay here sir?’ he asked me.  ‘Is there some kind of problem?’

For once, I didn’t know what to say.  ‘I just don’t get it,’ I said, shaking my head in disbelief.  ‘I was so certain this was a fine-tuned machine.’

Worrying the Sheep (US Election Remix Reblog Special)

I must have dropped off at the wheel because before I knew it I was crashing through the fencing, past the sheep and into the ditch at the end of the field. The sheep came over to investigate. I could tell I’d worried them. I mean, I must have looked quite a sight: my face covered in blood, my car written off, shattered glass everywhere.

“If you think this is bad,” I said to one of the ewes, “you should see the choices for US President.”

She just kept on chewing, clearly in denial.

And that, officer, is when I must have passed out.